The Way I Used to Be (The Way I Used to Be, #1) (2024)

I seem to be in the minority on this one.

There are many thoughts running around in my head about this book and it's hard to decide how to write a review without sounding completely insensitive. If this were a real life account of a rape survivor, then things would be different. Every survivor has their own story to tell, each equally valid, and they don't owe anyone an interesting, convincing account of it. Fiction, though, is a little bit different.

I've read many books about teenage girls who were raped, from the classic Speak, to last year's harrowing tale of how a girl is let down by everyone around her - All the Rage, to the recent book about a girl with a strong support network - Exit, Pursued by a Bear. These books are incredibly important for fostering discussion about rape, its aftermath, and the way we treat rape victims. The Way I Used to Be, however, adds nothing but more paper to the pile.

It's about another girl living in a white world, who is raped and proceeds on a downward spiral towards sex, drugs and self-hatred. The novel's major selling point is that it looks at the aftereffects of rape over four years - freshman year, sophom*ore year, etc. - and yet this opportunity is wasted on a story lacking any real depth.

Though it promises a look at a rape survivor over time, it instead skips important plot points that shows the gradual downslide (like when Eden started calling her parents by their names and not "Mom" and "Dad"), preferring to skip to the angst.

Rose wrote a great positive review for this book and I just wanted to borrow her comparison to Ellen Hopkins. Hopkins is a much-loved author, but after liking one of her books, I soon started seeing them as torture p*rn. And I still think Hopkins's stories and characters do not have any depth, do not explore new areas or challenge you to think - they are one long misery ride through increasingly atrocious events (rape followed by drug abuse followed by their mom dying...). This book is a bit like that.

The Way I Used to Be is four years, 380 pages, of one unfortunate event after another. Eden is raped, her parents give her sh*t, her brother turns against her, she constantly freezes and break downs, her friends just don't get it, she starts sleeping around to distract herself, she gets called a slu*t and whor*...

And here is where I risk sounding insensitive. Because how dare I suggest that Eden goes through too much negative sh*t? Shouldn't this book show the horrible reality? Yes! Absolutely, yes! It should. But a series of terrible events does not make a good book.

It honestly felt quite emotionless. Eden exists in a vacuum of her own thoughts (understandable, but it might have made a better third person story) and no other character is developed. Her relationships with her family and friends are one-dimensional and those characters all blend into the background.

I just don't think this book does anything new, or offers a different and interesting perspective. And, given that there are many rape survivor experiences out there still waiting to be told, it's a little disappointing to read this. Many books do what this book does... but better.

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I feel as if the best way to describe this book is the unforgettable experience I had listening to the last 3 hours of the audiobook at 1:30 in the morning in the pitch dark while bawling my eyes out and completely unable to breathe. It was THAT amazing.

CW: rape *graphic* (Additionally, there is quite a lot of -consensual- sex and substance use throughout the novel)

The Way I Used To Be is a fantastic portrayal of trauma. I cannot remember the last time I had such an intense, emotional response to a book, especially one that is not a part of a series that I had already been invested in. I wanted SO BADLY for Eden to tell someone what had happened to her, more than I think I have ever wanted a character to do ANYTHING. Eden’s story is raw, unflinching, emotional, powerful, and so so real. This book is not for the faint of heart – it is gritty and destructive, yet moving.

As this book is told over the course of four years (a bold choice for a standalone young adult contemporary novel), I thought it was executed fabulously. Eden’s voice and personality changes naturally across the four year span, transitioning from a young teenager to an almost adult woman. It was evident to me throughout the entire story that Eden was constantly growing despite having more development demanded in a shorter number of pages compared to many books, and I can only imagine how difficult that must be for an author to accomplish. I will say, this is not a very plot-heavy novel. The beginning starts off with a moment of HIGH intensity, but I found some parts of the middle of the novel to be less engaging up until the end of the story where I basically listened to the last 5 hours of the audiobook in almost one sitting. This is definitely a novel driven by characterization, which is not normally what I prefer, but it was done so well that I fell victim to it’s unwavering charm. I also really enjoyed the writing style of the novel. While there were certain moments where I was somewhat unimpressed, other scenes had me blown away by the prose.

Eden is a fascinating, wonderful character. I struggled so much with her in the beginning of the novel, but I feel she challenged me as a person due to this. She consistently hurts people who care for her, creates many more problems for herself, and makes so many horrible decisions as being raped begins to alter her perception of the world. I had such a difficult time loving her in the beginning because of all her harmful actions, but I had to keep reminding myself that this is an expression of trauma and while people must take responsibility for their actions, I should not pass such harsh judgement on someone who is responding to such a horrific event that will have changed her life forever. Eden’s characterization is so powerful and authentic, and her development is so well constructed throughout the story that I never could have expected to love her as much as I did by the conclusion of the novel. I am so appreciative to Eden for opening my eyes to an experience unique to her and many other survivors of sexual assault and her story is not one I will forget any time soon.

I feel as if I have so few words that truly encompass how remarkable this novel is. I feel changed by Eden’s story, it is one I will carry with me for an immensely long time. To my followers that love complex, dark, gritty contemporary novels, I cannot recommend this one enough.

**trigger warning**

i didn't want to read this book. i read to escape my life. i want to read about perfect boys who would never hurt anyone and perfect worlds where these boys exist and strong girls with powers that no one could ever hurt. i dont want to read about horrors ive lived through because that's not why i read. i knew this would be triggering for me so i didnt read it.

but i did today i dont know why i just kinda forced myself to do it because havent it on my shelf felt just as triggering as it would to read it. so i read it. and whoa. it was intense and horrible to read in the kind of way that it physically hurt and i was shaking and crying and i wanted to throw up but i didn't stop reading.

i don't recommend this for anyone who could be triggered by it. it is by no means easy to read. but personally i think that for me reading this was healing. it helped me sort through my own stuff and put how i feel into words. it does not really have a happy ending but it ends in hope and sometimes that's the best ending we can hope for.

A single act can change your life forever. In Eden's case, the five minutes in which she was raped send her into a spiral of desperation and despair, so that there are times when she doesn't even recognize herself anymore.

This book is divided into four sections, each one following a different school year. Freshman year, which shows the crime and immediate aftermath, is the most well-written one. While the pages kept turning because I wanted to find out what happened to Eden, the later sections don't feel quite as satisfying or complete, either plot-wise or on an emotional level.

Still, I'd recommend this one because it effectively puts you into the immediacy of Eden's emotions--the pain, shame, and fear, as well as the feeling that you've been damaged beyond repair. And that you are unworthy, undeserving, and unlikely to ever be treated with respect and tenderness.

Whatever he thinks that I am, I'm not. And whatever he thinks my body is, it isn't. My body is a torture chamber. It's a f*cking crime scene.

This story also touches on other important aspects of sexual violence: how it affects more than the people directly involved, how it changes the way you relate to everyone around you, and how it perpetuates until it is stopped. And perhaps most importantly, stories like these are a reminder that we rarely know what's happened in other people's lives, and what has driven them to drink, to sleep around, or to betray friendships. I hope boys especially are encouraged to read this, and that the book helps to reshape the dialogue about trying to understand--and being compassionate about--those around us, even if and especially when they're behaving in ways that are hard to understand. (Eden endures a sh*t ton of slu*t-shaming, both casual and threatening.) Anger, acting out, promiscuity, and changes in behavior are often triggered by traumatic events, and seeing the warning signs and trying to act upon them might help someone in desperate need of kindness.

Two last things:

1. While there were a fair number of loose ends and some plot threads that could have been better developed (I don't need everything tied up, btw, some aspects were just crying out to be further explored) I appreciated that the story does not end with Eden being rescued by a boy--and she realizes she has to save herself.

2. I'll echo the author's resource note at the end and include the free hotline for the Rape, Abuse, & Incest National Network: 1-800-656-HOPE. If you need someone, please know help is available and confidential.

3.5 stars Bumped up in stars because it's an important subject and portrays some things very well. It's not a perfect book, but it's well worth reading.

4/5⭐

A book that everyone should read once in their life

This is such a lovely novel, full of real, raw emotions that will make you cry, feel sorry for the characters, and feel for them.
I really needed an emotional read like this one! THIS WAS THE BOOK I WAS LOOKING FOR TO MAKE ME CRY, SOB, GET ANGRY, AND THEN FEEL EMPTY AFTER READING!!

--Thank you thank you Cara bby for reading this with me! God I'm so glad I reached out to you couldn't have done this without you. I always have so much fun reading with you.💖💖--

The lovely young lady gets raped by the best friend of his brother. Thirteen years old. How a brief period of time—just five minutes—can completely alter your personality and transform you into someone you never would have imagined becoming.

It deals with heavy topics. It discusses how a minor occurrence can cause a person to lose friends, stop communicating with their parents, grow distant from those they formerly viewed as close friends, and ultimately lose oneself in a profound black hole.

My heart was torn apart right from the first chapter! And as the story progressed, we gained insight into Edy's breakdown. She leaves her friends in the middle of life, gets drunk like there's no tomorrow, and sleeps with individuals to undo the effects that night's events had on her body and mind.

In the first few chapters, I loved loved Edy my heart felt for her. But then I just felt pity to look at Eden, she was completely transformed into this person who dealt with things the other way, and I did not like that at all. I do get her and why she did those things.😭

“I feel these forbidden thoughts creep in sometimes without warning. Slow thoughts that always start quietly, like whispers you're not even sure you're hearing. And then they get louder and louder until they become every sound in the entire world. Thoughts that can't be undone.
Would anyone care?
Would anyone even f*cking notice?
What if one day I just wasn't here anymore?
What if one day it all just stopped?
What if? What if? What if?”

I definitely do not agree how she deals with her trauma, and how she lost herself in the process. I'm no person to judge her story whatsoever.

Joshua!!!! He is too good for her. TOO GOOD. When he entered her life, I had some hope that she might tell him something cz how he did actually opened to her and everything. She claims to be that "Heartless bitch" but she actually did him filthy and dirty. She literally uses that phrase in a very incorrect manner; I did not wanted her to unintentionally do harm to others.

#justiceforJoshua
#justiceforSteve

“He's not the hero and he's not the enemy and he's not a god. He's just a boy. And I'm just a girl, a girl who needs to pick up her own pieces and put them back together herself.”

In the end the way he came again to save her 💔😖 i literally cried reading that. IT WAS TOO CUTE. Btw ik it would never NEVER happen in real life. 😪which made me cry even more

Mara, I don't feel conflicted about what she did; I thought it was okay. She repeatedly attempted to inquire as to what was wrong, advised her to seek assistance, and did so many other things! But when she had enough, she nearly left, which I understand. However, I did enjoy her. But she could've done things the other way.

-The pacing in some parts of the books was too fast. We were robbed of many of the important scenes! When and how did she start calling her parents by their names, not Mom and Dad.

-In one part, Eden says that Kevin's family moved; they weren't moving; they were running from something. I needed a bit more backstory from that.

-As a woman who came close to experiencing this, I believe that it just takes one incident for someone to feel uncomfortable touching or sharing any form of intimacy with anyone. But in this book, she sleeps with people to get over it or forget about it, it just doesn't make much sense in my opinion.

- How she survived for 300+ pages and it just took less than 20 pages for her to get better. IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE.

-The ending was NO I NEED ANOTHER ENDING!!!😭

#Joshua_deserves_better
#Steve_deserves_better

“I can hear him breathing on the other side of the door,breathing oddly,like,unevenly. But,no,it's not him just breathing,I realize slowly. He's crying. And I kneel there on the other side of the door that might as well be the other side of the galaxy,feeling so empty,so dead inside.”

LASTLY KEVIN YOU MF I HATE YOU SO MUCH I WISH I WISH UGH I WANT TO TORTURE HIM TO DEATH. NOPE DEATH WOULD BE TOO EASY FOR HIM. I'LL JUST LEAVE HIM TO ROT TO DEATH

Overall, by illustrating the effects someone could experience after being raped, this book tackles a very difficult issue. It demonstrates how rape affects not just the victim but also those who are close to them.
___________________________

Budding read with my beautiful girl Cara💜

My copy was an ARC I got from Amazon Vine.

Old pre-review that somehow got 41 likes: It looks like I get to be the black sheep yet again.

I'm mad. Really mad. The book is Eden's downward spiral into a girl who sleeps around trying to forget the trauma of her rape and replace that touch with someone else's touch. I have no problems with that and I am 100% there for Eden as someone who has been the victim of a sexual crime (mine was abuse instead of assault, though). I know how hard it can be in the aftermath of your brother's best friend violating you. It's hard to tell anyone, especially your family because they love him so much. Never once did I dislike Eden and I still want to take her to my bosom and make everything better for her. She's why the book gets one star instead of no stars at all.

But I'm sick and tired of the "damaged girl" narrative. If a victim of sexual abuse/assault isn't dominated by her fear, she's dominated by her determination to "write over" the rapist's trauma on her body via sleeping around. There are so many more experiences than that, but those are the only two I ever see represented. If I'd read more in the 2 years after my own sexual abuse, I would have thought those were the only ways to respond--and my response via erratic behavior and simultaneous hypersexuality/fear of intimacy was a pretty toxic one for me in the first place, but my family has a lot to do with that thanks to their sh*tty response. This book was the one to finally make me tired of that narrative after books upon books of the same formula with mildly different spins.

We are not damaged. We are survivors and more often than not, we get better whether it's through therapy, seeing our abuser go through court, or we find our own way out. Do more than give us 20 pages of us finally getting better after 300+ pages of us being damaged.

The story itself has its own issues such as weak characterization and the timeskips through her four years of high school result in a lot of probably-important scenes being lost. For instance, the moment Eden went from calling her parents by their names instead of Mom and Dad. That's a pivotal moment in a character's development, but all I know is it happened sometime between her junior and senior years. The Way I Used To Be utterly failed to live up to its potential.

I'm so angry I'm crying.

Proper review:

I shouldn’t hate this book nearly as much as I do. As a survivor of sexual abuse, I empathize deeply with Eden’s post-rape trauma, especially because both of us suffered at the hands of our brother’s best friend. Beyond that, though? Things are so horribly handled and written that I cried in anger. Smith takes a premise that should promise a new narrative for rape survivors and does f*ck-all with it by writing the same narrow, tropey story we’re tired of reading.

The problem is the overarching narrative, not Eden and her first-person point of view. By page 16, you’ll want to murder everyone around her and hold her in your arms like a child too precious for this cruel world. She’s in deep pain from beginning to end and rape survivors who responded with hypersexuality and rebellion in the aftermath will recognize themselves in her. Her story is valid.

All that said, what’s my issue? The other characters may be shallow and the pacing off, but that should be the end of it if Eden’s story is valid, right?

WRONG. All stories of survival, whether individual or group, are valid. But at the end of the day, Eden is a fictional character. Narratives like hers shape how real people think of and treat rape survivors and make people think “Oh, they must not really be a rape victim because _______” if they don’t act like Eden or countless other other fictional characters who survived rape. They reinforce misconceptions instead of bringing attention to the fact survivors react in more than just a handful of ways.

Few SA/A novels cover as wide a period of time as The Way I Used to Be does. Four years! Most novels will cover a few months of the aftermath or a year at the most. This extended timeline, however, goes to waste. Four years can span the time from crime to trial or from abuse to the beginning of healing, but Eden’s four years are one long downward spiral with significant events omitted. For instance, at some point between the end of her junior year and the start of her senior year, Eden begins referring to her parents by their names instead of Mom and Dad. Why? What did they do, if anything? What happened? There’s no worth in Smith’s premise of showing the long-term effects of rape if such turning-point moments in Eden’s life remain unwritten.

So even with the extended-timeline draw Smith fails to utilize to its full potential, this is just another forgettable SA/A novel that acts like responses other than fear or hypersexuality don’t happen. Survivors who didn’t react either way (like me) are yet again alienated and ignored in SA/A survival narratives. I can name three novels off the top of my head that follow all the same paths and hit all the same notes. It’s an unoriginal novel about an experience so varied writers should never run out of new narratives to introduce the world to. We are not tropes.

In short, nothing is wrong with Eden. Everything is wrong with this book. Skip The Way I Used to Be.

It’s not often that I’m at a loss for words, because, well, I’m a writer, and usually I have too many words for any given situation. But after finishing this book, my heart was pounding and I couldn’t find words big enough to describe how brilliant, beautiful, and powerful it is. Those words just don’t seem to do it justice. None do.

Amber Smith’s talent is immense. Her writing is searing, raw, courageous, deep. Her words cut, pound, take away your air supply, make you realize you’re not breathing. Eden’s story is not an easy one to read. After her brother’s best friend—someone she thought she trusted, someone she once thought she loved—rapes her, Eden buries the truth, along with the person she used to be. The whole time I was reading, it wasn’t like I was reading a character—it was like Eden was a real person. And in many ways, she is. She is a girl carrying around the weight of something horrible, something unimaginable, and trying desperately to show to the outside world that it never happened, that she simply doesn’t want to go back to the way that she used to be, not that she can’t go back. Eden’s hurt is palpable. It radiated off the pages and so many times, I wanted to hug her and tell her she’s worthy of love, she’s worthy of good things, that people will believe her if she tells them the truth. I thought, on so many occasions, how many girls we know in real life are carrying around truths they want to forget? How can we help them?

This book also deals with slu*t-shaming, which was handled in such a heartbreakingly true-to-life way. Nobody knew what Eden was going through, so they slapped labels on her, because it was easier that way. But in doing so, they made those labels something Eden could slip into, a way she could distance herself from the girl she used to be. People don’t realize that words not only cause permanent damage, but they can alter the course of a person’s life.

The fact that Eden’s story was told in four parts—one for each year of high school—allowed the reader to see that nothing goes away. Trauma and pain and anger and regret and sadness don’t just retreat to be buried by other feelings. They simmer right under the surface like a second pulse. What happened to Eden doesn’t fade as she gets older. It takes on new shapes, ones with sharp edges, ones that cut and flay and destroy any sense of confidence she might have had.

Stories like Eden’s need to be told. They need to be told more than once. Books like this need to exist. And stories like this, stories this sensitive and courageous and breathtaking, need to be told by authors as tremendously talented as Amber Smith, authors who aren’t afraid to channel all of the emotions, all of the devastation, authors who can be both fragile and bold.

By far one of the best books I’ve read this year. By far, one of the books I won’t stop thinking about.

everyone in this book annoyed me. besides eden, she deserved so much better. josh was a king too. but everyone else… watch ur backs because i’ll be coming for u through paper🧍🏻‍♀️

this caused me a lot of pain and i wish we would’ve gotten a lot more of the ending but it’s a very important read.

“This is the way the world works, apparently. I can’t believe I’m only figuring this out now. It’s simple really. All you have to do is act like you’re normal and okay, and people start treating you that way.”

This is my third reread and it still hurts like the first time i read it 💔

This such a beautiful, heart wrenching story i think everyone should read it once in their lifetime. It’s so sad and real, I can’t describe how much i love and i hate it at the same time.

The book follows Eden who’s a normal and a very good nerdy girl. She’s about to start high school and continue with her happy life but all that changes when her brother bestfriend rapes her and threatens her not to tell anyone because no one will believe her if she did.

” I don’t know who I am right now. But I know who I’m not. And I like that”

Eden is such an incredibly complex character. It was completely agonizing to see her go through what she does. How what happened to her changed her from the way she used to be. How she becomes increasingly full of hatred for Kevin and the world because no one noticed 🤧

The things that she did and her way of coping was annoyingly painful. I wanted to grab her by the shoulders and tell her to speak up, tell them. But i just watched her suffer and hurt everyone around her until she was left all alone💔

“Because whatever he thinks I am, I’m not. And whatever he thinks my body is, it isn’t. My body is a torture chamber. It’s a f*cking crime scene. Hideous things have happened here,”

The way she was looking at herself like she’s this disgusting,worthless,ugly human being really broke my heart 💔 It was too much being in her head and seeing how she was so fragile and vulnerable on the inside but pretending to be mean and tough on the outside. I just want justice for her. She deserves everything 🫂

“I feel these forbidden thoughts creep in sometimes without warning. Slow thoughts that always start quietly, like whispers you’re not even sure you’re hearing. And then they get louder and louder until they become every sound in the entire world. Thoughts that can’t be undone.Would anyone care?Would anyone even f*cking notice?What if one day I just wasn’t here anymore?What if one day it all just stopped?What if? What if? What if?”

I didn’t like any of the side characters.✋🏻

Caelin: omg i hate him. I don’t care if Kevin was like a brother to him. I don’t care about anything at all other than that his sister needed him and he wasn’t there. She showed a lot of signs that something was wrong. That she was not okay but he was so damn blind to all of this. And when he finally decided to care it was to late.

Mara: she was supposed to be her friend right? Then why did she leave her? Didn’t she really notice that something was really wrong with eden? She’s her childhood friend so she must’ve noticed it!! If someone is acting completely different than the way the normally do, that’s means that something is wrong and u need to check on them. Help them, but she didn’t do that and in the end she left her?? Because that’s what friends do right?

I’m not even going to talk about her parents. They were so focused on caelin that they completely forgot about her. I don’t see them innocent no i see that they’re completely guilty because they didn’t try to talk to her, to care, to f*cking ask. i hate them

“His hands, his arms, can hold the pieces in place temporarily, maybe even for a long time, but he can never truly put them back together. That’s not his job. He’s not the hero and he’s not the enemy and he’s not a god. He’s just a boy. And I’m just a girl, a girl who needs to pick up her own pieces and put them back together herself.”

Joshua Miller was the best guy in whole damn book. The way he loved her and took a good care of her 🥹 i love him so much. They’re the definition of right person wrong time. And it hurts so much. he was the first person she to know what happened to her. He believed her. When she thought no one was going to believe her, he did 😭 he was the only one who helped her 🫂 I CANNOT WAIT TO READ MORE ABOUT THEM IN THE SEQUEL IN NOVEMBER 😭 I SAW A-LOT OF PEOPLE GETTING AN ARC OF THE SEQUEL AND I ENVY THEM SO MUCH😭

“I don't know who I am right now. But I know who I'm not. And I like that.”

tw: rape (graphic), sexual assault, substance abuse

This is one of those instances where I truly and wholeheartedly believe five stars does not do this book justice. This book, my God, this book f*cking hurts. I wanted to scream and cry while listening to the audiobook of this because it's so dark and honest - it holds nothing back and it makes you feel so damn much within the 385 pages.

The Way I Used to Be is a story about trauma and life after it.Eden is raped by her brother's long time best friend after he sneaks into her bedroom one night. Please be warned the description of the rape is extremely graphic and unsettling, but it made the story that much powerful and moving for the author to force reader's inside Eden's head during every single second of the few minutes that would change her life forever. I thought the rape would be the most devastating part of the story, yet I was GUTTED when Eden's mom walks in the next morning and finds Eden frantic and covered in blood but assumes it's because Eden got her period for the first time. I wanted to scream as Eden was unable to find her voice and tell her mom what happened because she was so terrified. However, this was only the beginning of what has easily become the most devastating story I've ever read.

Eden's story then goes on to follow her downward spiral from freshmen to senior year. Can I just say, if there are any fans of the movie Thirteen (a.k.a the best movie ever) out there you will LOVE this book. This had all the Thirteen vibes in terms of both girls downward spiral - just different circ*mstances surrounding the reasons for their spiral. She starts off with her usual friends, meets a boy and bases their entire relationship on lies to guard herself, and by senior year is completely self destructive to escape the trauma she still has told no one about. She's goes to parties to get intoxicated and pick up guys, has slept with 15 different guys by senior year, and calls her parents by their first names after basically disowning them. The four year time span of this story shows how far she's distanced herself from everyone who could possibly support her. To see how much Eden had changed from freshman year to senior was startling and at times made it difficult to like her, but it was executed so perfectly that it made this novel even more powerful.

*Mild spoilers for the ending ahead!

I've read some readers discuss how they didn't enjoy the ending of the book because it was too open-ended, and while I understand where they are coming from I also disagree. In instances like this, with such a heavy topic, I don't need closure, I just need hope. And that's exactly what this ending delivered. I'm lucky enough to have never been put in Eden's shoes but I don't think closure would help so much in this case. Eden coping with her trauma and her downward spiral is not something that would happen overnight, but as long as she is talking about it and working on coping in healthier ways than before I'm okay with that.

Favorite Quotes

“I don’t know a lot of things. I don’t know why I didn’t hear the door click. Why I didn’t lock the damn door to begin with. Or why it didn’t register that something was wrong, so mercilessy wrong when I felt the mattress shift under his weight. Why I didn’t scream when I opened my eyes and saw him crawling between my sheets. Or why I didn’t to try to fight him when I still stood a chance.”

“He's not the hero and he's not the enemy and he's not a god. He's just a boy. And I'm just a girl, a girl who needs to pick up her own pieces and put them back together herself.”

“All you have to do is act like you’re normal and okay, and people start treating you that way.”

“I feel these forbidden thoughts creep in sometimes without warning. Slow thoughts that always start quietly, like whispers you're not even sure you're hearing. And then they get louder and louder until they become every sound in the entire world. Thoughts that can't be undone.
Would anyone care?
Would anyone even f*cking notice?
What if one day I just wasn't here anymore?
What if one day it all just stopped?
What if? What if? What if?”

All in all, for a debut novel this was extraordinary and now one of my favorite books of all time. I'm so glad I decided to finally pick this book up. If you are a fan of Speak and Girl Made of Stars you absolutely need to add this book to your TBR!

While I can relate to so much in this book, I didn’t actually feel what I thought I would while reading it. I think it may be intended for a younger audience than me. I didn’t love it & also didn’t hate it.

THIS BOOK.
I wasn’t expecting to love it as much as I did and what a welcome surprise this is.
I’m so freaking glad this book exists.
BECAUSE IT DESTROYED ME.

"You're drunk, Edy. You're really drunk and that guy was trying to take advantage of you! You're lucky I came in when I did," he says, dead serious, as if getting taken advantage of would be the worst thing that could happen, as if that wasn't something that happens to girls on a daily basis.

Powerful writing that sucks you in? Yes.
Round main character with a strong personality? You got that.
f*cking crude reality exposed as it should always be? YES
Will you cry (and have permanent goosebumps) while reading this? Oh yeah.

He needed to make her feel worthless, needed to control her, needed to hurt her, needed to leave her powerless.

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I'm honestly kind of shocked that this was in the cruise ship library because it was as depressing as all get out and actually left me in a little bit of a funk. I have a hard time envisioning this as someone's beach read, you know? But that said, it was still an amazingly good read. The comparisons to SPEAK are on point, although I think it's a more mature work in some ways because of how morally ambiguous Eden is. It takes a lot of skill to make an unlikable heroine so sympathetic, and even though Eden does demonstrate a lot of toxic behaviors and can be quite cruel, you can definitely see where she's coming from.

When Eden was just fourteen, she was raped by her older brother's friend. He sneaked into her bed and told her he'd kill her if she told. After that, she's never quite the same. She can't tell anyone what happened, so she ends up internalizing it and trying to grab control wherever she can. She quits band, she starts acting like a control freak in her book club, and she starts changing her appearance. Then she starts hooking up with guys, becoming quite promiscuous. Almost like she's trying to play out what happened, but with full control.

The book is carved into four parts: freshman, sophom*ore, junior, and senior year. In these sections, Eden makes new friends and loses them, and complicates all of her relationships with her trauma. Because she never tells anyone what happened to her, people don't know why she's acting the way she does, and sometimes the effects are heartbreaking. I honestly had a tightness in my chest when I finished because I was so worried about the outcome, but it ended up being kind of bittersweet. That's why I think this is a book for older teens as opposed to younger ones: the heroine isn't as likable as heroines of other rape-focused books, like JUST LISTEN or SPEAK, and the morality isn't quite as clear-cut, nor is the ending quite as satisfying.

That said, I think books like these are very important because there really is no right way to be a victim, and even if you wear revealing clothes or sleep around, rape is still rape. Painting people as "ideal victims" contributes to rape culture and makes it easier to write off testimony. So I'm really glad that books like this exist, which explore what trauma looks like in more muddied waters. Bless the morbid and gloomy person who brought this book onto the cruise ship so that I could read it, too.

4 to 4.5 stars

my heart is shattered in a million pieces.

I had a hard time rating this book. I decided on three starts which still means I liked the book. I just really had a hard time with this one. I hate what Edy had to go through as a 14-year-old child. It was hard to read, it always is, it's hard to go through, it always is for the innocent one. I just really had a hard time with her not telling her mom right then, when she walked in the door that morning. So many of these kids are afraid to say anything, they don't think anyone will believe them. Especially if it's someone popular, someone in the family, a family friend, etc. But she had all of the evidence right there... right there..... I wanted to scream for her to call the cops and scream at her mom. Her parents were NOT very good to her, at least it seemed that way in the book. They weren't abusive, they just made Edy feel like her older brother was so much more important. It was the same way at school with Edy and bullies. Oh and how I loathe bullies too!

****SPOILERS****

--->EXCERPT<---

I don't know a lot of things. I don't know why I didn't hear the door click shut. Why I didn't lock the damn door to begin with. Or why it didn't register that something was wrong--so mercilessly wrong--when I felt the mattress shift under his weight. Why didn't I scream when I opened my eyes and saw him crawling between my sheets. Or why didn't I try to fight him when I still stood the chance.
I don't know how long I lay there afterward, telling myself: Squeeze your eyelids shut, try, just try to forget. Try to ignore all the things that didn't feel right, all the things that felt like they would never feel right again. Ignore the taste in your mouth, the sticky dampness of the sheets, the fire radiating through your thighs, the nauseating pain--this bulletlike thing that ripped through you and got lodged in your gut somehow. No, can't cry. Because there's nothing to cry about. Because it was just a dream, a bad dream--a nightmare. Not real. Not real. Not real. That's what I keep thinking: NotRealNotRealNotReal. Repeat, repeat, repeat. Like a mantra. Like a prayer.

Right after that Edy almost told her mom when she came into her room that morning, but her mom wouldn't shut her mouth for two seconds trying to hurry Edy to the breakfast table. To the table where her brother's friend Kevin sat eating and being loved by the family. Her mother ran around the room telling Edy that sometimes this happens with your period. Was she stupid? She had blood all over the sheets and her nightgown and bruises on her body and neck. I'm sorry, but I have never bled that bad all over everything to where it looked like a crime scene, but her mom was clueless. She couldn't see her child was sitting there in shock!

This brings us to the years of Edy's life in high school. The book takes us through each year, through the wonderful people she met and could have been or stayed friends with, nice boyfriends she could have had but she threw it all away. She started doing drugs, drinking and sleeping with a lot of boys with no feeling.

I hate all of this happened to Edy. If she would have only told when it happened, but we are not all the same. Some have to hide it, feel like they have to at any rate. Please don't hide this girls, call the cops, get it out. YOU WILL NEVER BE ALONE IN THIS FIGHT!

MY BLOG: Melissa Martin's Reading List

Gosh, this is gonna be a hard book to review. It may take a while to muster up the courage. I'm so afraid of saying anything wrong and, since I rated this book lower than some people would like, I'm also afraid of the people on the internet who love to tell you how to rate a book, especially something with a topic like this and my sensitive "I care way too much about how people perceive me and think about me" mind probably can't take it. I know, that's bad.

I will say, I loved the ending. I love Edy at the end, and I'll just say, I did not like her throughout the majority of this book. But that's why there's character development, though I do have some thoughts about the character development. But this book was so full of emotion, and it is not for the faint of heart, like this was hard to read, right from the first chapter. I think it was worth it, though.

full rtc (3.5 stars, might bump up to 3.8)

3/5

Unlike my other book reviews, I had to give myself some time to figure out a proper rating with this one. Normally, as soon as I finish reading, I know exactly what I’m going to rate the novel. Not with this one. This one was trickier, for many reasons.

The first three chapters (or so) of The Way I Used To Be hooked my unlike any YA novel I’ve read. To begin the novel at Eden’s rape scene was shattering — but also gripping, because I was waiting for her to tell someone what’d happened (after all, her mother came in soon after!). And did she? Of course not. There wouldn’t be a book if she had.

As the novel continues through Eden’s 4 years of high school, it subtly (and not so subtly) shows how the rape changed her forever. Now, obviously, anyone would be a different person after such a traumatic event. That being said, it doesn’t mean I have to like the changed person afterwards. My example being: Eden. I thought she was fine in the beginning, but the person she turned into was terrible and heartbreaking. I didn’t like her at all. Not only that, but alongside her terrible character, I noticed that some of the chapters were not nearly as good as the others—noticeably so.

Asides from Eden and the shifting chapters, a character I really enjoyed was Josh—even if I didn’t understand why he put up with Eden’s crap; though I guess that’s what love does to you. Still. He was a real sweetheart to her when no one else was. I mean, the way he agreed to meet up with Eden (after they’d been broken up for years), because she “needed to see him” was beyond me. No guy would do that nowadays, without at least some explanation (at least, I don’t think so). Then again, like my mom always tells me: “It’s not reality; you’re reading a book! Stop confusing the two!”

Overall, this novel tackles a very difficult subject matter by displaying the after-affects someone might go through after being raped. It shows how rape does not only effect the person raped, but that it also effects the people near to them, too.

So, even though I read through this book rather quickly, there were many things that bothered me: the writing, the oblivious parents, Eden, Mara, etc. Therefore, this was average—maybe even slightly below average—but because it is about a sensitive subject mater that many people don’t write about well, I will leave it as “average.”

___________________________________

I read the first chapter of this online and oh my gosh it grabbed my attention unlike anything else. I can't wait until I get this in 2 days.

Ce livre m’a littéralement bouleversée j’ai pleuré pratiquement à la moitié du livre jusqu’à la fin hier soir je n’ai même pas dîné pour le finir.
Attention ce livre traite de sujet très difficile et délicat : le viol.
J’avais tellement envie de prendre Eden dans mes bras et de lui dire tout va bien se passer.
Si j’ai été tant bouleversé par son histoire c’est parce que moi aussi je suis une personne autodestructrice.
Je sais que certains lecteurs ont pu être choqué par son comportement mais pour moi c’est comme si j’arrivais à mettre un mot sur ma propre douleur à mes propres démons j’ai dû mal à dire ce que je ressens à expliquer ce qui m’arrive. C’est pour ça que j’ai été autant bouleversée parce qu’à la ne époque j’aurais pu dire ces mots.

➽ 2021 reads: book 12/75

this book was so incredibly heartbreaking. eden's entire journey was something that will sit with me for a very long time. no one talk to me.

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“I hate that just because you happen to be good at something,people automatically think that's what makes you happy,but it's not really like that, you know? It's not that simple.”

This book was honesly heartwrentching. I didn't cry, but my heart definitely broke for Eden. This book is not happy and what we see of Eden, her high school years are aything but happy.

TW: rape

The Way I Used To Be is a debut novel that shares the story of Eden who struggles to find strength in the aftermath of an assault. Starting high school didn't change anything for Eden, she is still the good girl she ever was. But her world crashes down the night her brother's best friend rapes her in her own bedroom. Everything that was simle becomes complex. All that she loved, she now hates. Nothing makes sense anymore. She knows she should say something, but she can't, instead buring everything that has happened. And she buries the way she used to be.

We are witnessing Eden's life as she deals with everything that has happened. From the moment she was assaulted through her freshman, sophom*ore, junior, and senior years. This books doesn't hide anything. It tells everything as it is. It does not hide or romanticese our main character's trauma. We see Eden as she is. Broken and in all these 400 pages we are demonstrated how strong and how much strength she has.

I may have not agreed with the path that she took, but this is her story. This is how she's dealt with this traumatic event that has happened in her life. This person in her life who she has trusted for a very long time tried to take her strength away, but she fights. For the whole book Eden fights. She can never go back to the person she was. There were times where we can see her wanting to give up, not being able to navigate some of the unbearable pains of the teenage years, but she still couldn't give up.

“I feel these forbidden thoughts creep in sometimes without warning. Slow thoughts that always start quietly, like whispers you're not even sure you're hearing. And then they get louder and louder until they become every sound in the entire world. Thoughts that can't be undone.
Would anyone care?
Would anyone even f*cking notice?
What if one day I just wasn't here anymore?
What if one day it all just stopped?
What if? What if? What if?”

I wish we got more to that ending. Everything happened then the book simply ended. We didn't really get to see what happened after. How Eden heals and starts opening up to more people. We don't really get to see any reconciliation between Eden and her parents or Eden and her friends. I just wish we got to see what the ending has brought and how it shaped the main character's life anew.

It's pretty hard talking about this. Not only it's a hardhitting book, but I don't feel like I am making it justice with my review. This book is amazing. There may be times when you feel like slapping Eden, but in the end your heart just breaks for her. She is this teenager doing her best to survive a world that continues to try and breal her.

“I don't know who I am right now. But I know who I'm not. And I like that.”

A brutally honest YA novel about the lasting effects of trauma. 14 year-old, Eden wakes up in the middle of the night to find her brother's best friend, Kevin raping her. A powerful and unflinching novel from start to finish. First-time author, Amber Smith doesn't try to sugarcoat how the aftermath of being sexually assaulted changes Eden psychologically, physically, and emotionally. This novel unfolds in 4 separate sections as we follow Eden though her freshman, sophom*ore, junior, and senior in high school. "The Way I Used to Be" will leave you reeling. Have some tissues handy. This novel is like a sucker-punch to the gut and heart. Enjoy.

Opening line:

"I don't know a lot of things. I don't know why I didn't hear the door click shut. Why I didn't lock the damn door to begin with. Or why it didn't register that something was wrong - so mercilessly wrong - when I felt the mattress shift under his weight. Why I didn't scream when I opened my eyes and saw him crawling between my sheets. Or why I didn't try to fight him when I still stood a chance."

haven’t read a book in one sitting in a while but i just couldn’t put this down. wow. i am sobbing

Faites moi plaisir et lisez le.

3.5⭐

I'm conflicted, I don't know how to rate this book.

In one hand, It was heartbreaking and painful to read( in a good way) but in the other hand, Eden made it so hard to like her.

What happened to her is awful, I wouldn't wish it to anyone but is it a free pass to treat everyone and anyone around her like sh*t?

I could understand her anger with her parents and brother, I can understand her conflicted emotions and her rage at the world but I can't excuse her actions. Josh deserves better, Steve deserves better.

DNFed 60 percent because I really do not like the representation. I seriously do not know what’s wrong with the characters. A very serious crime happened and nothing much happened until sixty percent of the story. None of the characters seem interested. What’s wrong with the parents?! Or the teachers?! The adult characters, the best friend, the boyfriend, the older brother, blink and miss presence of the seemingly “almost family” character who committed the crime. Cheating in the name of being a victim? Seriously I really got angry where the story was going. Not going to read further. I really don’t care at all how it turns out.

4.5
If you think, like i thought, that this is a book about getting over being raped, you are wrong. Because how could anyone ever get over it? They don't, they just continue living with it. That's what this book is about. It's about the ugliness that comes after. The depression and anxiety and mostly emptiness. The desire to control emotions and feel something you didn't have control over. I don't know where exactly my tears began and when they stopped because this wasn't a beautiful book. It was messy and emotional and aggravating, because that's how it feels.
These characters were so real and this was such a great portrayal of the ugly side of being a victim after rape as a teen. I loved seeing the progression from year to year and how dark Eden was becoming (also, i didn't fail to notice the name significance here, also nice apple add in there).
This is the only time i wish a book hadn't been written so vividly because it killed me inside to relive Eden's nightmare over and over.
I would have to say that if you have been raped, this book will either destroy you or make you feel less alone, but it may be a trigger so please read at your own risk.
This book doesn't show "getting over it," because you never can. And sometimes you can't cope, and sometimes things get messy and f*cked up. But you live, and you work through it, and you survive.

this book touched my soul. so powerful & incredibly moving. such an important story to tell, especially for all those who have been hurting in silence as eden was. it was so beautiful to watch her reclaim her life & trauma & finally be able to begin to heal & seek justice. in all her flaws & messiness she is a loveable, special character.

“i’m just a girl, a girl who needs to pick up her own pieces and put them back together herself.” ੈ✩❤️‍🩹｡⋆✧

a frustrating, heavy, heartbreaking & PAINFUL reading experience, but so worthwhile. five stars isn’t enough. <3

★★★★★

i'm so in love with this book.
this is the kind of story you feel uncomfortable reading - but in a good way. the kind of story where you want to grab the main character by their shoulders and tell them to speak up. but instead you witness them slowly suffering. and then the ending brings you to tears, because it was beautiful and touching at the same time.

this talks about the effects rape can have. over a timeline of 4 years, we see how our main character develops. how her relationships with basically everything changes, including friends, family, love, sex, new acquaintances, school, just her entire life.

i know this isn't a romance, but i LOVED LOVED LOVED the love interest.

i loved reading this book. even after putting it down after the first chapter i couldn't help myself but think about continuing. and so it went on: i woke up in the morning and basically flew to this book. 🙃
i recently reread some scenes and they were as sad and gripping as at the first time.

this story is told beautifully, yet difficult to read at times.

This book broke me and put me back together. Can we please get a second book where Eden and Josh end up together? 😩

4.5⭐️ check up TW warnings for this please, if you want to read it. wow this is one of the most impactful books i’ve ever read